This speech won third place in our club for the 1996 Humorous Speech Competition. Time: 5 to 7 minutes
Get Me to the Church on Time
My friend Cynthia was anxious to be remembered, but not quite in the way it turned out.
It all started with the wedding invitation. Cynthia was excited because she hadn’t seen her friends since she had left work 10 years before. She wanted to make a good impression so she took great care in wrapping her wedding gift in shiny gold paper with lots of trailing ribbons.
Her husband Larry carried the big box out and set it on the roof of the car while he opened the door. Cynthia settled in the front seat, looking ravishing in her new red outfit.
“Oh, Larry,” she said. “I do hope they all remember me.”
Larry grinned as he started the motor. “No one would forget you, Cynth.”
He peered over his shoulder. “Hey, Cynth, keep a lookout on your side. I can’t see past the washing you’ve hung in the carport.”
Cynthia looked back. “It’s OK. Keep going straight. Whoa, stop! Oh, Larry! You’ve pulled down the clothesline. All my clean washing is on the ground.”
“She’ll be right,” said Larry. “When pick it up when we get home.”
The man next door looked up and waved frantically as the old car chugged up the road. Cynthia cheerfully waved back. She sighed happily.
“I’m really looking forward to this wedding. I do miss my old friends.” She started to sniff.
“Good heavens,” said Larry. “Don’t start crying now.”
“I’m not,” said Cynthia. My eyes are watering. I must be allergic to something.”
Larry frowned. “Uh, Oh! I forgot take that old torn feather pillow to the dump. It’s still on the back seat.”
“Oh, Larry!” Cynthia’s reproachful gaze was lost on him as he merged into the stream of traffic. “Why is everyone going so slow?” she asked. “Can’t you overtake them?”
Larry shook his head. “Not in this old car. Anyway, it’s a solid line of cars right up to that big black…..Oh, No!”
“We’re in the middle of a funeral procession.”
“Oh, Larry! We’re supposed to be going to a wedding, not a funeral.”
“And so we are.” Larry patted her leg. “Don’t cry, Cynth. We’ll take the next turn and get out of this.”
“I’m not crying.” Howled Cynthia. “Its those blasted feathers. They’re flying around the car now. Ah..ah, choo!”
“Here we go.” Larry took the next turn down into the main street. So did the car behind him and all the others following them. Cynthia was frantic. “Ah, choo! Larry, can’t you go faster and shake them off?”
“No way,” said Larry. “This old bomb won’t go any faster. See if you can wave them back.”
Cynthia wound down the window. “Go back. Shoo, shoo! Ah, ah, choo! Larry! The feathers are blowing out of the window and down the street. Oh, this is terrible. Ah, choo! Look at the people on the footpath staring at us. It’s so humiliating.”
“Don’t worry,” said Larry. “We’re nearly there. Just round this corner…..Hey, look, there’s the bridal car in front of us. We’re just in time.”
A large crowd gathered in front of the church as Larry and his cortege pulled up behind the bridal car. Everyone gasped as the beautiful bride stepped out of the car, but their eyes were not on the bride.
Cynthia crumpled in the car, sobbing, her face swollen, her eyes and nose red and her hair full of feathers.
“I wish I could die,” she sobbed. “I’ve never been so mortified in all my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing could make me feel more humiliated than I do now.”
“Aw, come on, Cynth,” coaxed Larry. “You’ve been looking forward to this wedding.” He climbed out of the car, covered in feathers.
“Hey, Cynth! We didn’t put the wedding present in the car!”
“What! Didn’t we bring it?”
“Oh yes, we brought it. It’s on the roof!”
As Cynthia scrambled out, something dropped to the ground at her feet. She stood frozen in horror, as she gazed down tar her knickers on the ground.
“It’s just a bad dream,” she whispered. “When I open my eyes, they’ll be gone.” But there they all were…. all her undies on the ground, together with Larry’s socks and singlets, each tightly pegged to the clothesline that had been caught in the car door since they left home.
Cynthia stood numbly as her old office colleagues bore down on her, their faces registering shock and amazement.
“You needn’t have worried Cynth,” Larry grinned. “No one will ever forget you!”