Our Toastmasters meeting this week had a “Halloween” theme. If you like, you can read my new speech, “The Phantom Motor Bike Rider.”

The weeks are whizzing by – and I’ve written nothing for this month. Here’s a quick recap of some of the events this month.

Brisbane Writers Festival

South Bank was transformed into a tent city. The area along the river bank behind the Performing Arts Centre was dotted with big white marquees where the various events were held. You don’t have to be a writer to enjoy a writers festival – just a lover of books and reading. I attended on one of the days with a friend and we gleaned a glimpse of what goes into the process of writing. The session on script writing was particularly interesting. I’ll certainly have a deeper appreciation of the work that goes into the plot and dialogue in movies and TV shows from now on.

However, as someone once said, the mind can only absorb as much as the seat can endure. After several sessions, we’d had enough culture for one day, so we explored the market stalls that are held at South Bank every weekend. I bought a pair of leather sandals to replace my old ones.

Toastmasters Area Conference

I love the way our Toastmasters members throw themselves wholeheartedly into every event. Our club hosted the conference this year. Anyone who could, was at the hall by 7.30 a.m., setting up tables, and decorating the room. It was a really good day and our club did well in all the contests. I love meeting old and new friends from the other clubs.

World Vision Street Stall

We were kept busy all morning and raised over $700 for the “Safe Motherhood” project in Ethiopia. I’ve started potting more plants for the next stall, but I don’t know if they’ll be ready in time. We’ve had our regular jumble sales, too. I’ve just spent most of the day sorting clothes and crockery for the next one.

World Vision Club Birthday

We don’t have a party every year, but we felt like celebrating our 26th birthday. We decorated the room with streamers and balloons. My ears nearly popped off trying to blow up the balloons. “Wouldn’t it be ironic,” I said, “if after 26 years, we pegged out trying to blow up the balloons to celebrate!” But then I remembered someone had used a balloon pump at the Toastmasters conference and was able to borrow it.

It was one of the best events we’ve had. I had to keep finding extra chairs as more people arrived. We had a lot of laughs, playing “Articulate” and trying to hit a balloon into a basket.

Poetry Workshop

No, I’m not a poet, though I can write doggerel if required. My friend and I heard about the workshop at the writers festival and decided to check it out. It was run by a writers group that meets in the city. Real writers. It was interesting but I think we were a bit out of our depth.

Friendship Club

Not many came this month, but we had fun playing “Skipbo” and a very silly conversation about millionaires and wire coat hangers. The only part I can remember went something like this:

“We throw them out if they come into the shop.”

“What, the millionaires?”

“No, the coat hangers!”

Babysitting

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with my grandchildren, Miles and Hayley. They are growing up so fast, every moment with them is precious. But I’m going to write more about them next time.

Speech No. 4 in “The Entertaining Speaker” Manual

Date presented: March, 2001

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The objectives of this speech were:   

• To develop an entertaining dramatic talk about an incident.
• Include vivid imagery, characters and dialogue.
• Deliver the talk in an entertaining manner.

Time 5 to 7 minutes.

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An Alarming Experience
What is it? I wake in fright. And the cat dozing on the end of my bed leaps in terror and runs headfirst into the wall. I sit up in bed, my heart pounding and my mind whirling in confusion. The still night air is ripped apart by a shrill piercing sound.   Is it the phone? Who could be ringing me at this hour? I grab my bedside phone and hold it to my ear. But still the insistent ringing continues.

Is it…it must be …the smoke alarm! Horror! The house is on fire!

I leap out of bed in panic. No time to salvage anything. My one thought is survival. I rush out into the hallway. Where’s the fire? The air is clear. No smoke. No hungry red flames!

I rush from room to room, searching and sniffing for fire. There’s not a trace. But still the smoke alarm shrieks on, jangling my brain with its strident sound.

Is this some kind of joke? How dare it wake me from my exhausted sleep! I switch on the light to see if the alarm can be turned off. Obviously, the only way to stop it is to remove the battery. The alarm is set high on the ceiling.

“Just call us when the battery needs to be changed,” the man had told me when he installed the alarm. “Don’t try to climb up and do it yourself.”

Wouldn’t he just love to be called out at 2 a.m.?

I stand on a chair. The alarm is still out of reach. It shrills on and on. Surely the neighbours can hear it? It’s a wonder no one has phoned the fire brigade. I’d feel pretty silly if they arrived, but at least someone might be able to stop this racket. I look out the window.

No sign of life anywhere. The neighbourhood sprawls in blissful slumber.

I grab my broom, reach up and prod the alarm. After a few bashes it gives a final shriek and goes silent. Phew! Peace at last. I turn out the light and flop back into bed. My heart rate has almost returned to normal.

But what’s that? A shuffling sound comes from the corner of the room. It’s obvious that I am not alone. I watch in transfixed horror as the door of my wardrobe slo-owly creaks open. Someone – or something is about to emerge.

I try to scream but the scream sticks in my throat as out… creeps … the cat!! She nervously resumes her place on the end of my bed and carefully washes her face.

With a sigh of relief I collapse weakly on my pillow and finally fall fast asleep.

Suddenly the room reverberates once more with the earpiercing sound. That infernal alarm again!

I leap out in fury, turn on the light, grab the broom and whack the alarm. Again and again. It stops – then it starts, stops and starts again. Each time I put the broom down, the noise starts, pounding in my brain, taunting me.

“I’ll fix you for good!” I yell. I keep ramming and bashing it with the broom handle. The alarm seems as though it will never give in. Well, neither will I. I’ll kill it this time!

Finally, I give it a mighty whack. The alarm loses its grip on the ceiling and lands at my feet, still protesting loudly. I perform the final act by wrenching out the battery.

Silence. My head is still ringing, but the night is at rest once more.

I turn the alarm over. The warning on the back – which I hadn’t been aware of – says, “Gives a warning chirp when the battery is low.” Chirp! They call that a chirp?

I throw away the battery. If I get that smoke alarm put back up, it will be on the wall where I can reach it.

No doubt smoke alarms do save lives when they warn in time of real danger. But what if that unnecessary fright had given me a heart attack? And it could happen to a frail, elderly person. If I had died in the night, they probably would have performed an autopsy to determine the cause.

But would anyone have suspected the real culprit – the smoke alarm!

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COMMENTS   They seemed to enjoy it, but I didn’t feel I had done my best this time. I hadn’t had time to rehearse as much as usual and had to glance at my notes a few times. This would have made it less convincing.Last year, I presented one of my stories “The Last Train Home” as a speech but didn’t use it as a manual speech. I think it really would have fulfilled the requirements better than this one. What do you think? 

Speech No.3 in the Toastmasters Advanced Manual “The Entertaining Speaker” Manual

Date presented: October, 2003

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The objectives of this speech were: 

• To prepare a humorous speech drawn from your own experience.
• To strengthen the speech by adapting and personalizing humorous material from outside sources..
• To deliver the speech in a way that makes the humour effective.

Time 5 to 7 minutes.

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The Phantom Motorbike Rider.

Tonight I’m going to tell you….

Listen! Is that a motorbike? It’s coming closer! Quick hide!

BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………

Phew, that was close! He looked like a normal motorbike rider, didn’t he? Well don’t let him fool you… he’s the phantom motorbike rider!

Forewarned is forearmed. If I hadn’t stayed up late the other night and read the legend of the Phantom Motorbike Rider, I wouldn’t have known about this evil monster who rides through the night in search of victims. It’s a tale of horror and such grisly details, if I were tell you, you would be afraid to venture out of this building tonight.

It was well after midnight when I finished reading the gruesome story. It was a hot night, but I found I was shivering and my skin had turned to goosebumps. I went to the door and called in the cat. “Oscar!” The street was dark and silent. Only my house was still lit up like a beacon – or a well marked target. I quickly closed the door and locked it. I went into every room and checked all the windows. I looked in the wardrobe and under the bed before heading into the bathroom.

While I was lathering myself with soap, I heard soft scraping sounds on the other side of the bathroom door. And then, the door pushed open – just far enough for a long hairy arm to reach in and grope toward me. I yelled… “Oh Oscar, you wretched cat!” I threw the soap at the cat as it ran out of the room.

I hurriedly completed my ablutions and headed for my bed.

That’s when I heard it! BrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

I leapt into bed and pulled the covers over my head as the sound receded into the distance. Phew! He didn’t get me. Not this time!

Next day the dark circles under my eyes drew some comments. “Been out on the town all night, have you?” joked my colleagues. How could I tell them I had lain awake all night waiting for the phantom to return? It seemed ridiculous now – in broad daylight.

But as night approached, I wished I didn’t live alone. I wished there was someone with me when the back door rattled in the wind and the tree branch swayed and tapped against my window. I would have liked some company when the neighbours dog howled. OOOOoooooooo!

Once again, I secured my fortress and prepared for bed. There’s nothing to be afraid of, I told myself. There’s, no such thing as a Phantom Motorbike Rider! But wait! What was that sound? BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……

I burrowed under the bedclothes and huddled there shivering till morning. No one commented on my appearance the next day, but I received some strange looks and heard them whispering behind my back.

The next night, I didn’t even bother to prepare for bed. I locked the doors, turned out the lights early and sat huddled in my armchair…. waiting…. listening….

I had almost dozed off when I heard heavy footsteps outside. I sat frozen in horror as they came up my stairs and stopped at my door. I heard a fumbling sound, then the lock on my door was turned and the door swung open.

I crouched and shielded my face as the light was clicked on.

“What are you doing in the dark?” asked my son Joel. “I thought you were out, so I let myself in.”

“Oh… I was just going to bed…” I tried to act nonchalant. I had always told him there was no such thing as ghosts.

“I just walked around to borrow a book,” he said.

“I’ll make coffee,” I offered, hoping he would stay a while.

“Thanks,” he disappeared into the bathroom.

I heard the phantom coming. I dropped a cup and dived under the table. BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….. It missed me again and sped away just as Joel came back into the kitchen.

“Hear that noise?” he asked.

“Well, yes.” I said. “Now that you mention it, I think I did hear something.”

“Your toilet needs a new float valve,” he said. “That’s the sound our toilet made when the valve went. I’ll get one tomorrow and bring it around.

And so he did.

The phantom hasn’t been back since then. But if you hear a motorbike, get out of the way!

You never know!