This speech won second place in our 2004 Area Humorous Speech Competition.
Time: 5 to 7 minutes
Don’t Look at the Dog
It’s not true! Don’t believe it when they say I was drunk! Just because I was seen zig- zagging along our street! I can explain….
It was the dogs. I’ve always been afraid of dogs.
Nearly everyone in our street owns a dog. When I am out walking, the dogs come rushing up to the fence, barking and snarling.
Old Tom lives at the end of our street. His daughter asked me to visit him, but she didn’t tell me Tom had a huge doberman called Cruncher!
Old Tom was thrilled to have a visitor. “Come in,” he said, “Sit down! But whatever you do, don’t look at the dog!”
What would happen if I looked at the dog? And why was he called Cruncher? I didn’t want to find out.
Tom handed me a cup of coffee. I was shaking so much, I had to use both hands to hold it. Tom didn’t notice. He chatted on about his favourite topic, dogs.
“Do you know,” he said, “a dog whistle is so highly pitched, it can’t be heard by humans?”
“Amazing!” I said. “Your dog could be whistling this very moment and we can’t even hear it!”
Tom looked at me strangely. “Try one of my scones,” he urged.
It was like a rock! I chewed and chewed on the piece I managed to bite off. I was afraid to swallow in case I choked. While Tom was pouring more coffee, I slipped the rest of the scone up my sleeve.
I was careful not to look, but I was aware of Cruncher lying on the mat, practising his secret whistle. Probably communicating with all the other dogs up the street.
“I’ll show you some photos of him when he was a pup,” said. Tom. “Won’t be a moment.” and he left the room.
Now I was alone with Cruncher, a dog so vicious he couldn’t be looked at.
I gulped. The scone caught in my throat and made me splutter. Cruncher sat up.
He was coming toward me.
Cruncher ran his nose along my arm, looking for the best place to sink his teeth.
I jumped up and stood on the chair. Cruncher stood on his hind legs and pawed at my arm.
I climbed onto the table, and knocked over the coffee pot. Cruncher jumped onto the chair and came after me.
I reached over to the window, grabbed hold of the curtain rod and swung like Tarzan toward the sink. I was in mid flight when there was a Crrr-unch! The rod snapped, and I landed with a thump in a tangle of curtains.
I must have knocked myself out for a moment, because I thought I was being kissed by a handsome prince. Aaaaaagh!, it was the dog, licking my face!
Suddenly I remembered the scone up my sleeve. I pulled it out, and threw it as far as I could. Cruncher ran after it, just as Tom came back into the room.
“Oh dear,” he said. “Did my curtains fall down? I hope they didn’t land on you!”
I helped him to put up the curtains, and took my leave as soon as I could.
I was so relieved to escape in one piece! But I still had to pass all those dogs in the street.
I knew Cruncher had been sending his secret whistle to them, so I was taking no chances. Each time I passed a house where a dog was kept, I crossed to the other side of the street. I wove from one side of the street to the other all the way home.
The next day, Tom’s daughter phoned me. “Dad enjoyed your visit,” she said. “He hopes you’ll call again.”
“I’d like to,” I said, “but I’m afraid of his dog.”
She laughed. “Old Cruncher? He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“But your father warned me not to look at the dog!”
“That’s just one his jokes,” she laughed. “Wait till I tell him someone’s fallen for it at last!”
The old … devil! And I bet he was pulling my leg when he told me his dog could whistle!
But I liked old Tom. Tomorrow, I’m going to take him some fresh scones. And I’m going to look at the dog. And when I pass all those barking dogs, I’m going to walk in a straight line, right down the centre of the street!
