Irish Jokes 1
Contents…… All on one page, but you can hop to -
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
“Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
Paddy was staggering home with a bottle of whisky in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. ”Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. ”Come have a look over here,” said Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, said Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yelled out, “Hey, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asked Paddy.
Shamus lit a match to see what else was written on the stone marker, and exclaimed, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Shamus opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Mick. ”Did you see the paper?” asked Shamus. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Mick. “Where are you callin’ from?”
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?” Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”
His friend asked, “well what d’ye mean by that?”
Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another…it was neither of us.”
Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful. ”Where do you think we went wrong?” asked one.
His friend thought for a minute.
“You know, I think it must be that we’re not throwing the dogs high enough.”
Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled out of the sky to land at his feet. ”Ah, you should have saved the bullet,” said the other.
The fall would have killed him, anyway.”
Two Irish companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles. The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when the second company’s tally came in it was only two. ”I’m afraid you lost the job”, the second company was told, “the other boys managed twenty to your two.”
“Ah,” came the reply, “but they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?”
An Irishman was digging a hole in a road when a passerby asked him what he was going to do with all the soil. ”Ah, well,” he replied, ” I’ll dig another hole.”
“But what if it doesn’t all fit in?”
“Oh, I’ve thought of that,” said the Irishman, “I’ll dig the next hole deeper.”
A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. ”Tell me,” said the passerby, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Well,” said the digger,”Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn’t mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?”
An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by the fall. ”Indeed not,” he replied, “It wasn’t the fall that hurt me at all, it was the sudden stop.”
An Irishman was working so hard on a building site carrying bricks up the ladder that his mate got worried. ”What’s up with you, working so hard?” he asked.
“Don’t worry,” said the other, I’ve got them all fooled. It’s the same load of bricks each time.”
Two Irishmen were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara falls. Over drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn’t carry him across the falls on a tightrope.
After a very scary trip his friend managed to deposit him safely at the far end and the $500 was duly handed over.
“Pity,” said the loser, “when you wobbled half way across I was sure I had won.”
An Irishman rang the airport and asked “How long does it take to fly to London?” ”Just a minute, Sir.” came the reply.
“Thanks” said the Irishman and put the phone down.
Two Irishmen are flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will longer still. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that they are now flying on one engine and gives an even later arrival time.
When the plane finally lands one Irishman turns to the other and remarks
“Just as well the fourth engine kept going or we’d have been up there all night.”
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. ”Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”
“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,”we’re going to put a man on the sun.”
“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”
“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”
Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The other driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left. ”Thank the Lord,” said one Irishman to the other.
“We only just got out of that field in time.”
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act. He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
“What do you think you’re laughing at,” he cried, “you’re next.”
An Irishman’s last wish was to be buried at sea, which was most unfortunate for his three friends who died digging the grave.
It Evens Out
One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person’s natural deficiencies. ”You see,” he said, “If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell.”
“I agree with you,” said the other. “I’ve always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer.”
It’s always puzzled me,” said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,”how everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order.”
The Magic Slide
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. ”This is a magic ride,” she says. “You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.”
“I’m game for this,” says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting “GOLD!” at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts “SILVER!” at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts “WEEEEEEE!”