Irish Jokes 2

Contents…… All on one page, but you can hop to -

Cow in hole
Best of health
Tell way
Atheist
Double identity
Sit down
In a minute
Lucky
More life
Come up
Stupid
Strange man
Anyone else
Borrowed lamp
Biggest fool
Collect
Too crowded
Raising funds
Last coach
Highest bidder
Can’t diagnose
Noisy district
Drink is a curse
Money or life
Paddy’s vest
Telephone pole
Stretch tights
Paddy’s black eye
Dog in bed



Cow in hole
First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.” Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”



The best of health
” I hear Murphy died, ” said Pat. “Was he ill long?” ”No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”


Tell me the way
“Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?” asked the English visitor. ”Certainly Sir,” said Patrick. If you take the first road to the left…no still that wouldn’t do…drive on for about four miles then torn left at the crossroads…no that wouldn’t do either…”Patrick scratched his head thoughtfully. “You know, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn’t start from here at all.”



Atheist
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. ”There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”

“It’s been a long day,” complained Mrs. Murphy, ” and I haven’t sat down since I got up.” 


“Ah, that was a lovely dress,” said Maureen, “and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it.”



Double identity
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.” ”Faith now,” exclaimed Paddy, “I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.”


Sit down
Mick was late for the performance and as he tried to find his seat in the front row someone shouted, “Sit down in front.” ”I can’t,” replied Mick. ” I don’t bend that way.’

“You know,” said Mrs. O’Niell, “you could really feel the heat of that coat the minute you took it off.”



In a minute
Shamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.” ”Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”


Lucky An item in an Irish newspaper on the murder of a man called O’Brien:”The murderer was evidently after money but luckily Mr. O’Brien had deposited all his money in the bank the day before so he lost nothing but his life.”



More life Paddy was directing his first play and was not satisfied with the hero’s dying scene.”Come on,” he cried, ” put more life into your dying.”



Come up
SOS for the deep sea divers of the Irish Oil Rig in the North Sea: ”Come up at once, your rig is sinking.”


Stupid
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, “What are you doing?” “There,” said the wife, “didn’t I tell you he was stupid?” 


Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils.



Strange man
“Ma, there’s a strange man at the door.” ”Has he got a bill?”"No, Ma, just an ordinary nose.”



Anyone else
“Why won’t you marry me?” demanded Paddy. “There isn’t anyone else is there?” ”Oh, Paddy.” Sighed Biddy, “there must be.”


Borrowed lamp
Farmer O’Neill had been invited to supper by his neighbour Farmer Kelly. Expecting that his homeward journey would be dark, he had taken a stable lamp. The drink was not spared and the men sat long over their glasses. O’Neill, however, reached home safely, guided by his lamp.The next morning he received the following note from his friend: “O’Neill, I am sending your stable lamp with bearer. Please return my parrot and cage.”



Biggest fool
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument. At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”"Order, order,” said the Irish judge. “You seem to forget that I am in the room.”



Collect
Terms indicated in an Irish policy: ”The total sum will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself.”


Too crowded
Casey complained, “That new dance hall is crowded to the roof and all up the staircase. It’s not to be wondered that people don’t go there.”



Raising funds
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services. About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.Mike was apologetic. “I’m collecting for the roof, Father,” he said. “Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription.”

The priest was shocked. “Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?”

“Oh, yes, to be sure,” said Mike. ” I’ve written to them.”



Last coach
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea. ”Why don’t we leave the last coach off!”


Highest bidder
The Irish auctioneer shouted, “The highest bidder will be deemed to be the person or persons nominated as the buyer or buyers unless someone else offers more…”



Can’t diagnose
“Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.” ”Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”


Noisy district
“This is a very noisy district you live in, Pete!” ”Sure and that’s exactly the way it is. We only get any peace at all when the heavier trucks drown out the noise.”


Drink is a curse
“Drink is a curse,” proclaimed the Irish Priest. “It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord….and miss…”



Money or Life
Riley was waylaid on his way home. ”Your money or your life,” snarled the robber.”Take my life,” said Riley. “I’m saving my money for my old age.”



Paddy’s vest
“Have you seen my vest?” Paddy asked his wife. ”Sure and you have the thing on, you old fool,” said his wife.”Just as well you noticed,” said Paddy, “or I would have gone out without it.”



Telephone pole
A gang of Irish workers was sent to measure a telephone pole. Unfortunately their ladder was too short. ”Right,” shouted the foreman, “we’ll have to be laying it down on the ground to measure it.”"Don’t be daft,” said one of the gang. “It’s the height we’re needing, not the breadth!”



Stretch tights
Shamus joined a robber band and on the night of his first safe-cracking job the boss warned him, “Before we go through the window, you pull your tights right over your face.” Shamus said, “Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch as high as me neck!”


Paddy’s black eye
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. ”You’d never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it in church.”He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

“All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me.” Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

“I got this one in church, too,” explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

“My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn’t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back.”



Dog in bed
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife’s place. ”Glory be!” said Mick. ” I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!”