Contents…… All on one page, but you can hop to –
Set it Free
Good old days
Who told you?
Seeing the light
Got a Driver
Doesn’t look good
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if there’s a Dog.
A woman has locked her car keys inside her vehicle. She stands by the side of the car looking completely fed up when a man walks up and asks him what the problem is.
“I’ve locked my car keys in my car and can’t get in,” says the woman.
“No problem,” says the man. “Stand to one side and I’ll get you in.”
The woman does as she’s asked and stands to one side. The man moves in front of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his backside against the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.
“Goodness!” says the woman, “How did you manage that?”
“Easy,” says the man, “I’m wearing my Khaki trousers.”
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. “This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Set it Free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place.
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Good old days
Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?” Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?” Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?” Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “What have you done, that I should admit you into the Kingdom of heaven?”
The guy replies, “I have been a taxi driver for many years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I have been a preacher for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP…BUMP…BUMP… behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster…faster …BUMP …BUMP …BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything…
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …
…the coffin stops!
A friend of mine was out hunting a few years back and, as chance would have it, on the way home he ran over a bunny rabbit. Since it was right in front of a large farmhouse, he thought he’d stop and make sure it wasn’t a pet. The farmer was sitting on the porch, and had seen the whole incident.
My friend asked if the rabbit had been a pet. The farmer said that it wasn’t, but he also said that he had something that might help the poor thing out. He went into his house and came out a moment or two later with a little jar. He went out to the rabbit and poured a little on its head.
Sure enough, the bunny opened it eyes and got up. It hopped a little way down the road and turned around and waved at the farmer and my`friend. Then it hopped on down the road a little further, and turned and waved again. This hop and wave action was repeated until the bunny hopped out of sight over a hill.
Of course, my friend amazed!
“What’s in that bottle?” he asked the farmer.
“Just a little hair-restorer with a permanent wave!!” was the reply.
Who told you?
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asked her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.”
The wife yelled, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”
Seeing the light
An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old fellow replied, “Yep, it comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”
Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. “I just want you to know,” the doctor said. “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“He what?” she cried.
“He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!!!” she exclaimed. So he’s the one who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way —
‘Take a clean dish…'”
Dick and Harry were playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was Dick’s turn; he rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature”.
His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
He thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
Volunteer fire truck
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious, ” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
A duck walks into a store and say’s “I’d like some lip gloss!”
The clerk say’s “Will that be cash or charge?”
The duck say’s “Just put it on my bill!”
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away to. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor’s office, the man lifted his wife’s coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replied, “but never framed.”
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I’d better run too!”
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
“No,” she smiled. “It’s a pair of socks!”
The driver of a vehicle involved in a smash was not wearing a seat belt and as he shot through the windscreen both ears were severed. An hour later at the hospital the surgeon decided to graft another pair of ears on the patient. Unfortunately there were no human ears left in the spare organs bank – only pig’s ears. The family was consulted and permission for the pig’s ears to be grafted on was given. The surgeon did a fine job and the family was allowed to visit.
The visiting wife decided to bring a Walkman complete with headphones to see if her husband’s hearing was affected. He tried them on and listened with the new pig’s ears.
“Are they alright?” asked his wife.
“Not too bad,” he answered, “But there’s a bit of crackling in the left ear.”
Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers buy their three tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” says one Manager.
“Just watch and you’ll see,” answers an Engineer.
They all board the train and the Managers take their seats and watch as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Managers see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a single ticket?” says one Manager.
“Just watch and you’ll see,” answers an Engineer.
They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the Managers stall, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”.
A woman walked into the pet store. “I haven’t got much money”, she told the clerk, “so I’d like to know if you’ve got any kittens you’ll let go cheap”.
“I’d let them, Ma’am.” said the clerk, “but they prefer to meow”.
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: “Think!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, “Thoap!”
Got a driver
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they’re going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn’t hear anything from the top.
He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
He says, “What the heck’s goin’ on? We’re down here havin’ a grand old time.”
One of the guys from the second team says, “Yeah, but you guys have got a driver.”
As Dad was driving his family past a cemetery, the youngest boy wanted to know what it was. Dad explained that when people die, their bodies were buried in the cemetery.
After a few moments, a small voice asked, “Where do they bury the heads?”
Doesn’t look good
Dick, Tom and Harry and their wives are enjoying a nice cruise when a tidal wave suddenly appears. It sinks the ship and they all drown.
When they wake up they’re standing before St. Peter He looks at Dick and shakes his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Next he turns to Tom. “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Candy”
Harry turns to his wife and whispers nervously “It doesn’t look good, Fanny…”